"Result of A Bullet"

I'm confused
And disconnected from everything known as life
But I love and I hate
So I think I'm doing fine
Emotion is basic
To every woman and man
I try to erase it
Because no one will understand
I hear four shots
A mother's cry, death has just driven by
I say it's not
Though I felt every tear fall from her eyes
I sit in shock
Anticipating for death to guide me away
I'm still amazed and horrified
That God would let me stay

You made me promise
One hard promise that I really don't want to keep
You asked me to trust
But for that trust throughout my life I will surely weep
For the ones that I lost
That made me who you love
So for my trust and all my love
I want to be placed above
Any other, from one another
And promise not to leave
A broken heart left in the cold
With veins continuing to unweave
A tortured soul
With no home that constantly runs to you
For happiness, for peace and rest
And something else to do

I'm so ashamed of myself
No self-confidence to my name
Every time I shed a tear
It diminishes my flame
For my passion of desire
And impenetrable will to succeed
The only reason I have problems
Is 'cause of my selfish greed
I'm at the edge of immortal
Yet mortal I still remain
I wish I had the power
To inflict unending pain
So for a life too important
I try to change my thoughts
But the devil's a rich man
Beyond what we are taught

We talked for hours
Upon the minutes to eradicate the problems
And for a second
Upon that day I had thought we had solved them
Until the next day I figured out
I was still afraid
Of the future
While the past would surely fade
Along with me
A memory, gone by the count of three
One, two, three
You've forgotten all about me
So I return to my place of self-doubt
Alone again
Waiting patiently
For another so called "friend"

But this hurt I feel inside
Is so very hard to hide
Especially while I'm standing
With a demon at my side
For three weeks my heart had beat
But I was not alive
And still to this day
I'm trying to revive
All that was lost
All that I had that was worth more than me
A precious love
A beautiful heart has now been set free
Never again to be known
By the scum of this world
The earth has just lost
One of the most precious of pearls...(End of part 1)

(Part 2)
The person I was
Will never get the chance to grow
Into a man
But still a child, this pain he will only know
Less Inspired
And oh so tired, In the distance of the night
Every second, I’m running away
Trying to keep out of your sight
So alone, so afraid
Depression ruins my day
Down to my soul, feel so cold
There is nothing left to say
Empty words spit out the mouths
Of people I’m suppose to trust
I’m still a fool
Driven by my heartache’s endless lust
For someone to be there
When I feel I can’t make it through
But every time I feel this way
I end up turning to you
But you don’t know how I feel
So I retract and pull back
I’m sick and tired of happy faces
And shifting to the next act

Insecure and beaten down
Is how I walk the Earth
Where’d you go, I don’t know
There is nothing that is worth
More to me than you
Because you make my broken heart smile
But I try my very best
To organize the tile
To make a picture
That is real
But what’s real
I can not feel
So where’d you go
I still don’t know
I really needed you here
Without you, I feel the grunt
Of everything I fear
You were right
The first time, I really do need you
‘Cause there is nothing that is left
That makes me feel the way you do

I am alone, it’s such a shame
‘Cause nobody really cares
But everyone makes an effort
To try to be there
Take a number
Push me under a pile of stuff to do
I surrender all my will
To try to make it through
I’m giving up, I’m really sorry
I’m breaking my promise
But every thought, every feeling
When I reminisce
Stabs me deeper
Than any cut could ever go
No longer bleeding, way past dying
All I can do is let it show
So take me now, Dear God
I’m crying to end this pathetic life
I’m ready
And I’m willing to take death as my wife
I know he’s watching, and he hears me
So I pray that he says yes
Until the day we say “I do”
I will never get any rest

I was thinking about those days
I spent incapacitated
In a room of bright blue
Where my past evaporated
I had a tube in my nose
And even one to help me breathe
I had been praying that God
Would allow my soul to leave
I saw your face, it was a surprise
‘Cause I didn’t expect for you to care
All of a sudden, you appear
From a place called “no where”
So I feel strange to let you in
To give your heart a chance
In every relationship
I step back and let the other wear the pants
Now’s the time
For this follower to take the lead
But with these thoughts
I have inside, I’m forced to take heed
To these feelings
Of confusion of which way to turn
I’m just a studentAnd I’ve been put here to learn
About pain, I’m insane
To put up with this
It’s kind of hard to understand
But I think I got the gist
I still assume
That I will have a happy day
These happy words and partial lies
Are all that people say

I keep slipping back and deeper
Into a state of empty space
The only difference between our hearts
Is the appearance of our race
I sit in silence, waiting for God
To send me a message
A message that contains
An outstanding passage
That relates to my problems
And also serves as a revelation
A revelation that makes me
Withhold no reservations
I just want someone to be there
For the next short while
Is that too much to ask for
To help this eternal child

(Part 3)
I bathe in misery
And let my sorrow continue to overwhelm
I sit in eternity
Waiting for a guide to a new realm
Of sensation
My temptation derived and centered around you
I hate you but I love you
Neither statement will be proven true
You don’t trust me
Why can’t you trust me? Tell me why you feel this way
I thought it was ended and forgotten
Left to that day
But I guess not
Reserved emotions kept you from putting faith in me
It’s a shame that in my sight
Your love I can only see
I try to trust in other people
But their efforts let me down
Humiliation from their failure
Makes me out to be the clown
So I sit sulking in the cold
While the world feeds my pain
Isolation, desolation
Cover me with their stains

I’m so confused
And heart broken, when I see other people smile
All I have are memories
That are locked in one huge file
Suicide’s the easy route
Yet you forbid me to take that path
Loneliness, unending stress
Is all God will let me have
I’m reduced to depending on
A single pill to help me live
Besides that I’m holding on
To the love you freely give
There is this voice that calls my name
It says kill, kill, kill
Kill what, kill me
I can’t resist the thrill
My heart is thumping from excitement
Of thoughts to end my life
I want so badly to escape
This cycle of unending strife
I’m waiting for the moment
That you break your precious word
My plans with such desires
You have already heard

Do you know how it feels
To watch your mother die?
To see her blood poor out
Trying to detach yourself with lies
To see your father look you
Dead in the face
Back to the roots, where it started
I repeatedly try to trace
I left her side, I’m ashamed
To call myself her son
I ran like a coward
Now there is only one
In my heart, that is you
But I still try to remove
These emotions from my life
‘Cause I have everything to prove
So when they say I am brave
Its like they’re spitting on me
Because brave I am not
And quite possibly will never be

Now new topic, let’s discuss
These issues with my sister
A hurricane raging
I’m in the eye of the twister
I need to express my anger
And hatred for this woman
These feelings towards your family
Are not as common
We were never really close
At least from my point of view
After the incident
It was like she was someone brand new
But eventually she began
To show her true self
That self is a threat
And a danger to my health
So I walk away slowly
Giving her one last chance
But within a second she shot me
Without a simple glance
At her brother whom she’s punishing
For her father’s mistakes
Redirect it, please
I’ve been through enough for heaven’s sake
Don’t tell me
That in the future I will need her
There is nothing that was
Because We never were

You don’t understand
No one really does
I can’t live for the future
Only for what once was
No matter how people feel
I still feel they don’t care
I’m waiting for the day
When everyone will be treated fare
Life is a struggle
I don’t want to undertake
There’s way too much to do
At such a high stake
I could loose what I have left
If I can’t make it through
What I have left from the past
Is wrapped all up in you
Love, trust
Things I don’t want to loose
If I make a decision
Then I will have to choose
Between you and myself
But I choose me over all
Everything will go
And this house will have to fall…